In a sadistic sort of way I welcome it. Nowadays it brings me a great deal of stress. It's lots its zing, yanno? But everything has. I'm failing to see the happy in life. Not that I'm depressed - far from it. On holiday I had a rather intriguing mental breakdown, but it sorted out a lot of things in my family. It made me appreciate my dad and my sister so much more. Me and my mum learned that we're dangerously alike. There's a certain understanding in my life right now, and it's a beautiful thing. She found out I harm, but I can live with that. After the shame I felt last time I don't think I can possibly build up the guts to do it again.
Strange that, isn't it? I need courage to perform the weakest of acts.
A lot of things regarding my education got straightened out on that infamous trip. I'm doing more work than I have in a very long time - which isn't saying anything, really.
From 10am to 4:30pm I'm working my guts out for this work. It's not even relevent. In no way is it going to contribute to my final exam. But it's just to please the psycho-Scot known as my education inspector.
And Jesus on a buttered bagel I hope she doesn't see this..
Even through all this work, I'm hardly anywhere near satisfied. And even when I have a good day like yesterday (completed a project, cooked dinner, actually managed to make myself look reasonably un-shit) I always follow up with a day like today. Where I've done nothing but print off prompts, read fanfiction and sit in my PJs all day.
Ah well. Beggars can't be choosers.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared for my friends but I know my words are useless. I feel totally, completely useless. But I'm wondering if that's just me... if I can be the girl people have a laugh with, who they can talk to for hours.. but just.. provide nothing. Really. I'm no use.
And I think I've finally accepted that.
So.. I bring you.. a tiny rec list which I demand you all look through.
Mind blowing Brian/Matt fic. I have a favourite author over at a7x_slashness, and randomly hunting through Fandomination, I found this only to realise an hour later she wrote it. Which is just spanky. Because that's my favourite pairing evuuuhhh but no one writes it -.- GIVE THE MUSCLE MEN SOME LOVE TOO DAMNIT. All the Zacky/Brian is making me want to shoot myself. I'm gradually growing to hate Zacky because of it. Save meee. .. and don't kill me, Cat >< But yeah. Good fic. It'll totally make you go 'WTF?' O_O
You're going to stop believing me when I say 'there's not much Matt/Brian around' when I keep posting these.. but I have hunted high and low! Through the fangirlfic! Through the dread Snacky! And I have found this little chunk of glee which works on so many levels. Inspirational, creative, beautiful, stunning, hilarious, tear-jerking, sexy as fuck.. just sheer god damn brilliance. Love it, bitch -.-
..then..Snarry. Because I is cool like that, yo. Best HP pairing around aside from Padmoon. Which goes without saying, because Padmoon is just.. guh.. Ahem. Anyway. Fucking great fic. Intelligent, hilarious, the most canon slash I've read in a good while. Supremely hot. Supremely squealworthy. It has some good twist and it's written in a style that will catch you immediately.
On another note... I gotta start writing myself. Seriously. Before I go batty. The lack of roleplay is removing the little writing I actually manage. Today I should be doing some English shit but I can't be bothered. FOR TODAY.. I SHALL ATTEMPT TO BOOST UP THE AMOUNT OF BRIAN/MATT IN THE WORLD... Because I rock like that.
Peace out, mah bredwin.