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[Oct 16, 2006 * 10:04am]

New journal.

This one may still be checked but meh.

I'm basically switching, because I hate this username/layout/blah.

Certain people I like to stalk will be auto-added. But if there's someone I'm not sure wants me, you gotta request 'n' shit o_O It's not personal, because I adore everyone on my FL, it's just an excuse to get rid of me if you want to xD

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[Oct 15, 2006 * 8:56pm]
'You're confident with not a lot to be confident about.'

Isn't that the loveliest thing to say to your manic depressive daughter?

Congrats, daddy.
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[Oct 4, 2006 * 8:20pm]
Can't do it. Can'tdoitcan'tdoit. I should have gone to school. GCSEs are killing me and I haven't even started yet. My mum chucked me offline today mid-multiple-conversations. She said I can't go on anymore. That I have to make sacrifices to get A*s. I don't want fucking A*s. I want to pass. That's all I want. SHE wants A*s so she can rub them in the face of everyone who ever doubted her for deciding to teach us at home. She wants the golden marks so she can sit back and think 'ah.. 15 years haven't been wasted..'

Well.. I can't do it. I'm doing my damn exams in 2008 and I'm already cracking. Every day, every minute, it's always about GCSEs. Always about education. And I can't do it. It's a complete overload. And I have to sacrifice.. basically.. my life. It's pathetic. But the net is a huge part of my world. Writing and talking to people and falling in love and making friends and making plans and roleplaying and she's going to turn the computer around.. so she can see the screen from her chair.

Goodbye sneaky fanfiction and hysterical laughter and various pornographic pictures...

Goodbye roleplay...

Goodbye sanity.

No, seriously. I lost it.

My version of Romeo and Juliet Act I.Collapse )
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[Sep 26, 2006 * 4:48pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

So.. I'm shit at updating lately. That has been gathered. I tend to be shying away from Livejournal lately.. actually, I'm shying away from the internet in general. It's a gradual process. Something so slow and sneaky that I hardly realised it until just now.

In a sadistic sort of way I welcome it. Nowadays it brings me a great deal of stress. It's lots its zing, yanno? But everything has. I'm failing to see the happy in life. Not that I'm depressed - far from it. On holiday I had a rather intriguing mental breakdown, but it sorted out a lot of things in my family. It made me appreciate my dad and my sister so much more. Me and my mum learned that we're dangerously alike. There's a certain understanding in my life right now, and it's a beautiful thing. She found out I harm, but I can live with that. After the shame I felt last time I don't think I can possibly build up the guts to do it again.

Strange that, isn't it? I need courage to perform the weakest of acts.

A lot of things regarding my education got straightened out on that infamous trip. I'm doing more work than I have in a very long time - which isn't saying anything, really.

From 10am to 4:30pm I'm working my guts out for this work. It's not even relevent. In no way is it going to contribute to my final exam. But it's just to please the psycho-Scot known as my education inspector.

And Jesus on a buttered bagel I hope she doesn't see this..

Even through all this work, I'm hardly anywhere near satisfied. And even when I have a good day like yesterday (completed a project, cooked dinner, actually managed to make myself look reasonably un-shit) I always follow up with a day like today. Where I've done nothing but print off prompts, read fanfiction and sit in my PJs all day.

Ah well. Beggars can't be choosers.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared for my friends but I know my words are useless. I feel totally, completely useless. But I'm wondering if that's just me... if I can be the girl people have a laugh with, who they can talk to for hours.. but just.. provide nothing. Really. I'm no use.

And I think I've finally accepted that.

So.. I bring you.. a tiny rec list which I demand you all look through.

Mind blowing Brian/Matt fic. I have a favourite author over at a7x_slashness, and randomly hunting through Fandomination, I found this only to realise an hour later she wrote it. Which is just spanky. Because that's my favourite pairing evuuuhhh but no one writes it -.- GIVE THE MUSCLE MEN SOME LOVE TOO DAMNIT. All the Zacky/Brian is making me want to shoot myself. I'm gradually growing to hate Zacky because of it. Save meee. .. and don't kill me, Cat >< But yeah. Good fic. It'll totally make you go 'WTF?' O_O

You're going to stop believing me when I say 'there's not much Matt/Brian around' when I keep posting these.. but I have hunted high and low! Through the fangirlfic! Through the dread Snacky! And I have found this little chunk of glee which works on so many levels. Inspirational, creative, beautiful, stunning, hilarious, tear-jerking, sexy as fuck.. just sheer god damn brilliance. Love it, bitch -.-

..then..Snarry. Because I is cool like that, yo. Best HP pairing around aside from Padmoon. Which goes without saying, because Padmoon is just.. guh.. Ahem. Anyway. Fucking great fic. Intelligent, hilarious, the most canon slash I've read in a good while. Supremely hot. Supremely squealworthy. It has some good twist and it's written in a style that will catch you immediately.

On another note... I gotta start writing myself. Seriously. Before I go batty. The lack of roleplay is removing the little writing I actually manage. Today I should be doing some English shit but I can't be bothered. FOR TODAY.. I SHALL ATTEMPT TO BOOST UP THE AMOUNT OF BRIAN/MATT IN THE WORLD... Because I rock like that.

Peace out, mah bredwin.

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[Sep 9, 2006 * 10:46pm]
I haven't been very good, huh? :? My commenting / replying has definitely lacked, while my whinging / over-posting has gone through the roof.

I just want to say.. I read all comments, I read everything on my friends page.. and I adore you all. Even if we don't talk too much, you guys make me smile, you make me cry, you make me feel, which is definitely a big awesome thing right now.

Everyone on my list, and I mean EVERYONE, I love you all. Even if I've never commented you in my life and vice versa, I love you. Because you make me feel like I'm not so alone in this crappy lil world. And yes, I mean, I'm glad I'm surrounded by weirdos =D

Okay. .. ahem. Yeah. I'm in a really weird mood. I want to write warped stories and poetry and scream and dance and voice all this crazy shit going on in my head. It's like I'm stuck in a permanant dream right now. Everything makes no sense yet makes far too much sense for comfort. It's like I'm shaving my face with a straight-razor despite being a chick. Since last time I checked.

There are so many freaky lil things going on.. I feel unorganised. My OCDs kicking in like a bitch and I want to sort things. My typing fingers (because I have a strange form of speed-chicken-pecking. Like chick scratching but not. Why do all forms of communication I use revolve around poulty? I even like to quack to express deep weirdness..)

But yes. I love you. I'm so grateful for you. And I can honestly say I have the coolest people on ElJay on my friends list. I can relate to you all, no matter what our differences. You teach me about different worlds.


And organising and writing something warped about something warped...

See, I wanna finish that A7X slash, but it's too sane right now. My mind's going at a hundred miles a minute. I should do something create but weird. GIVE ME WHIMSY... GIVE ME FREAKINESS... Yeah. So. This MCR fic and this VAM fic I read inspired me too much. But it's a terrifying sort of inspiration where I don't know what to do with it.

I need something weird.

So I'll name a random scene then describe it in a weird way.

I'll tell you how that goes.

But yeah, life rocks right now. I feel awesome. And I'm seeing Rae and Zoe tomorrow :O HOWCOOLISTHAT?

Only I'll freeze and be quiet and shy and awkward and we won't talk and they're hate me and I'll run to the circus.



♥ - Kay
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[Sep 7, 2006 * 4:38pm]
Uh-oh for mental breakdowns.

I hate cutting. Makes me feel alright at the time, but like shit after.

Failureness sucks.

I'm soooo banned from the internet.

But I miss mah bitches.

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[Sep 6, 2006 * 5:13pm]
My mumma said I had to go to my nanas.

But I felt I couldn't.

I feel like such a failure, and my grandparents are the only ones who have ever been proud of me.

I want to be something they can be proud of. I don't want them to see me like this.

And my nana called me.

And asked why I wasn't coming.

And I burst into tears.

And she said I could always call her.

And that she loves me and wishes she could see me.

And after she hung up I sat in the middle of my living room and sobbed.

I wish I could be the person they deserve.

Why can't I change myself?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

Why can't I even explain to my mother how I feel?

Why do I go from giggling madly and smiling like a dork one minute and hysterical tears the next?

Why am I even posting this?

I don't want sympathy. I don't want worry. I don't want to be a bother.

I just want..

To be someone deserving of all the beauty I have in my life.

I'm so, so fucking pathetic.

PS: Everyone on my FL must hate me for my rabid updating.

So I ask you a question, oh mightiful and much loved ones.

Think I may be bipolar? :/
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[Sep 6, 2006 * 11:27am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

A Picspam of Love Featuring THE Best Picture EVER.Collapse )

Rofl. Everyone loves a bit of HIM. As Syn in the pink RR shirt (look'a mah profile!) proves.

Shoutweb: Any bands you're looking forward to checking out yourself?

Gerard: HIM. It's after almost everybody's set. Everybody can get wasted. All the bands want to go watch HIM.


Even though Ville said he'd make a better vampire, the cutesie lil yank holds no grudges.


I just looked at MCR pictures.

And watched The Black Parade tape.

And listened to Welcome...

How the fuck can anyone dislike this? O___O Someone please explain. Because it baffles me completely.

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WAHEY [Sep 5, 2006 * 8:14pm]
New art journal.

Add it add it add it!

I've put in NEVER SEEN BEFORE (..unless you read a lot of MCR fic in October 2005..) FERARD SLASH.

Awesome, huh? =D

(( OMG CATH N SAM. I was reading through my memories from my old account, haha. You both left me comments. Creepy, huh? Well, not really... o_O ))
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[Sep 4, 2006 * 9:33pm]
I'm writing, writing, writing.

Lots of slashy happiness.

Well, it's not slashy yet.

Really, it's gross right now.

But slashy slashy slashy soon!

I miss AIM.

I wanna tell people about the slashy-slashy.

But I'll get distracted =(

My sister found a spider and thought it was Steve Irwin reincarnated.

She's adorable. Sometimes.

My mum's considering moving us to Australia.

And usually, she has little whims like this and that's the last we hear.

But she's researching :O My mum never researches. She's my tutor and I've only seen her research ONCE. We ended up moving to the other side of the city -.-

Not sure how I feel about this just yet...

Christmas on the beach?


A7X playing two venues across the whole country?

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[Sep 4, 2006 * 8:24am]
So, I've been all emo and shit despite my attempts to be bright and dandy (the loss of Steve Irwin didn't help.. I actually shed a few tears..God, what must have been going through that mans head after surviving so many times..) BUT. Cath made me hysterical more than once.

Ilu! ♥

So now, instead of black emoness, my head is filled with happy slashy A7X thoughts. God those guys are ridiculously gay. I heart them desperately for it.

I'm gonna write me some smut, then read me some smut! Then probably ar pee some smut and go dream of smut.

You can tell I'm meant to be doing a stupid about of work for my examination, huh? =P


Hahahahahaha! Anyone who knows me will know how ridiculous this is and how desperately the BBC have fucked up.
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[Sep 2, 2006 * 10:26pm]



I will not let this idiotic depression get me down. I've been a miserable little bitch for far too long and it's ridiculous. This world rocks, and the people in it rock, and I have a sheerly ridiculous amount to see and do and hear and discuss.


And to the people who I talk to on AIM..

I adore you all and would never intentionally ignore you. Ever. Your words mean the world to me, and even if I'm slow to reply, know that you're always in my thoughts, and I'm always thinking about what to write to you next.

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[Sep 2, 2006 * 10:06pm]
I feel so unbearably lost, and I can't even explain it. It's this desperation deep in my chest. Almost a lack of hope. It's painful and suffocating like pressure on my heart. I'm neglecting IM windows, and as idiotic as it sounds, I feel so awful. Because I love the people I talk to so desperately, and I don't want them to think I'm ignoring them when it's really just the other 10 people I'm talking to I have to post to. It's just... wow. I can't explain it. I'm PMSing so hardcore and my best friend was a bitch and I'm so glad that's over now.. yet I feel so strangely alone. I'm lost and I don't know why.
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A briefing of my life. [Sep 1, 2006 * 8:05pm]
[ mood | content ]

I'm taking a God damn mother fucker of a stand here!

I'm going to tell you all about my life right here.

I've left my church because they're racist, sexist, elitist, prejudice, hypocritical bastards with fairy-tale beliefs. I was a Mormon, by the way. Now I'm researching and definitely heading towards my own form of Spiritualism/Buddhism/Wiccan because I have no faith or belief in organised religion. And.. terrifyingly.. I think I'm losing my faith in Christ.

I hate everyone in my area with a vicious intensity and unless we get a sudden influx in people with brains, oppinions and decent tastes I will be spending the rest of my days on a computer.

My sister has a lump under her eye and may have to have an operation.

Snakes on a Plane makes me ridiculously happy. Like.. seriously ridiculously happy.

Papa Roach - I Wanna Be Loved
Eighteen Visions - Victim
David Cassidy - I Think I Love You
Taking Back Sunday - Twenty Tweny Sugery

are the best songs in my world right now.

After much deliberation, MCR kicked ass then and kick ass now.Collapse )

Their show was mind shattering even though I missed Rae and Zoe.

I pray to baby Buddha that I can see Cath and Zoe at Lostprophets/From First To Last because I adore them muchos.

My family are being ridiculous with my net time and I'm majorly missing out.

I have been won over by the powers of myspace after losing contact with a group of beloved friends only to find them again over the great paedeophile site.

Rae made me obsessed with Black Dahlia. I've been reading about it all day and now I really must see the movie.

I'm writing too much poetry, starting a journal, reading Oriental literature (Hwee Hwee Tan is a God) and watching too many movies (The Producers is the most hilarious thing ever).

I'm addicted to concerts, Gee saw up my skirt, I'm wearing lacy underwear, I keep eating Pepperami, Russel T Davis is actually a genius, and oh lord JACK WHITE IS THE GUY FROM THE RACONTEURS.

Unless the magazine was being sarcy.

And I'm insane.

My cousin is ridiculously racist. But I still adore him.

Losing the internet for a fortnight was unbearable yet strangely exhilarating and thought provoking.

GJ has more features than Livejournal will ever have for a price called FREE yet all the communities and journals are near dead. It now seems strictly reserved for roleplays. Which I desperately need.

Have a nifty slash roleplay community?

Tell me about it before I throw myself from a roof.

Oh, and I plan to make a music video DVD because MTV2 suck and will never, ever play Seize The Day no matter how many dirty texts I sent them. Any suggestions?

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A big mofo of an entry. [Aug 9, 2006 * 2:23pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

xshock_x_starx = evil -.-

1: Only You Can Save Me - The 69 Eyes
2: Open Your Eyes - AFI
3: One More Sad Song - All American Rejects
4: Out Ta Get Me - Guns n Roses
5: Oxy Contin - Head Automatica

Quite a lot of music..Collapse )

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[Aug 1, 2006 * 8:29am]
[ mood | pissed off ]


So, we sort out a chart, right?

I didn't just imagine that did I?

We sorted out a chart. She goes on two hours once then two hours again.


She should consider herself LUCKY. How many eleven year olds out there get four hours online a day?

She's such a spoilt fucking little fucking brat.

I want to strangle her.

I HATE that kid.

I freaking HATE her.

See, the caps lock of doom says so.

So, in the mornings I go online, since it's the only time I can without my family pissing me the hell off about it...

But no.





So I asked what the fuck she thought she was doing, and she whined, yes, if she actually WHINED, 'The chart's unfaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair..'

So she voted for her bullshit and checked her pussy little link-banning moderated web-fucking-sites then finally let me on. Only to declare that I was a bully because she missed her TV show while she was online and my typing was 'irritating' her, and I was doing it in 'purpose'.


Edit: Now she's crying because my dad told her to stop being miserable.


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BabbleBabbleBabbleBabble [Jul 29, 2006 * 11:13pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Sometimes I’m agonisingly naïve. I was toddling along quite happily through my life, yet somehow I was looking on at something I wanted. The life I wanted. The person I wanted to be.

So I make a plan, make a chart, make a lot of lists (OCD habit. Lists are good.) and… I don’t follow them.

Honestly, if I thought being clueless and idle was frustrating, it’s nothing compared to having a plan and being too disgustingly lazy to pull it off.

That seems to be my word of the day…week…month…year…life: Frustration.

I’m realising so many things. My vision has cleared, but sometimes I wish it hadn’t. Sometimes I wish I had stayed in my fantasy, because this reality is a fucking bitch.

Like my ego was boosted by my family for so many years, I have all these false illusions that I’m some fantastically wonderful creature that can do whatever her little heart pleases, whereas in in that mother-fucker-called-reality, I’m as arrogant, lazy and insolent as every other stereotypical teenager out there.

But will this tale have a happy ending? Will Kay ever get to wear her corset dress? Will she see the disturbing horror movie and write some more lists? Find out all this and more by tuning into.. the.. uhm.. cut?Collapse )

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For Kit [Jul 23, 2006 * 1:36pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

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Liiiife... is funny.. WHEN HIGH. [Jul 22, 2006 * 3:52pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Today I learnt a very valuable lesson. It's a lesson that will forever help me in my life. Something that works in conjunction with the greatest philosophies and theories.

It doesn't take a lot to amuse me.

Though that's not really it.

It's more like.

I giggle like a feckin' lunatic at everything.

Now, either this morning was a very funny morning, or I was high on my 4 hours of sleep and decided it was a very funny morning.

The latter's more likely. Since now I look through the things that made me cackle for five solid minutes and simply blink widely in classic chibi-style.

So welcome....

The cackling world of Kay...Collapse )

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Jkjkfgffffffffffffff... [Jul 20, 2006 * 3:46pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I didn't sleep at all last night.

And I mean at all. Had a bath at ten, crawled in bed at 11, lay there awake for a long, long while... got up at 1am for the bathroom, slumped in bed some more, heard my sister being sick at 3am, got her a drink, gave up, came downstairs at 4am.

I've been online since 4am, people.

So there's a virus in the air thanks to sissy, I've had no sleep, it's hotter in this country than it is in fuckin' GREECE, I'm not eating properly, I've been online for close to 10 hours....

And now I'm burning up.

And William Beckett has a better body than me.

And my arms are starting to ache.

Along with my head.

And I have to go to church tonight since it's Jessie's last day.

Someone please come and stop me dying a grisly death?

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